Tuesday, July 31, 2012

cause in the morning

i possibly want to wake up in your arms, hear you breathing and know that you are near.

Honestly, i've got this huge problem, so much distrust.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

i'm quite okay with not being bill gates or steve jobs

The end to friday couldn't have been more demoralizing. Friday's paper was really shitty crappy, those type of papers when you start to think "when is this gonna end?". Left the examination hall so amused that I found this level1 module insanely hard, even harder than pharmaceutical biotechnology, pharmacology and whatever else. Anyway, group mates and I ended up staying in the computer lab for more than 10 hours. It was only at 1 something am before we made our way home. We stayed in school for a record long 17 hours.
Our project submission was considered late, broken links in the website, un-titled website, wrongly titled file submission, insane hunger, rolling and jumping about the computer lab, feasting on macs in a no-eating-or-drinking-allowed place, going crazy, singing out loud, toning exercises, toe poking, taking photos, printing random pictures, shouting for help etc.

I'm glad i'm not pursuing computing because I might be crazy from the confusion I have about it.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Cause computing is honestly killing me

Flying high

I really look forward to the day I get tickets to Glastonbury and see all the different flags fly high with good music played live, loudly and harmoniously with the whistling winds.

[inserts something positive here]

i have had enough of bad dreams, so please, go.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

there're so many things i want to rant about but for now i should be motivated, grateful to my hormones getting back to normal, friends, love and stop feeling so damn tired. i'm gonna eat properly and get rid of my fatface

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

From Bon Iver, by Bon Iver

The soul in a refraction of icicles. A moment hanging like breath on air. And yet life – even still life – is not still. The story is not a story if it does not unravel. Your eyes you may cast backward, but the heart is locked in the chest and must beat forever forward.

I can't help but read this so often. It's too beautiful.

let us veg

My hormones are fucking messing with me and i'm so tired trying to figure out what's potentially wrong and fix it from there. I hate fixing things and then once i'm done, something else has to be fixed. I'm lazy, oh yes perhaps I am. Have I mentioned how I Hate thinking, liking musings takes more out of me than a 6km run. I find myself drifting into thought so often that I get so frustrated from the hurt. I let my imaginations and thoughts be what makes me and what empties me. Maybe for a day I could be a vegetable and just grow without having to think.
Like the great depression, i'm suffering from the plague. The plague of stupid, over thinking (I hope) of worries and thoughts.
Yes, hurt is hurt, hurt stings, hurt stays until you shove it the middle finger and immerse yourself in what's worth staying and being happy from. But how the hell do I get away from it if it still sinks me. I think it's the hormones, it better be. (got to find seratonin). Oh god. I'm gonna make a nice lunch now since I have one more person at home to make cooking worth while: my dad.

Monday, July 16, 2012

im so tired i just want an apartment to myself. i could do with some lone time.
I leave your shirt on for a little longer so that I could have a bit more of you longer.

Everything is going alright, isn't it?

Saturday, July 14, 2012

think i could do with a guy like Charles Bukowski

I was naturally a loner, content just to live with a woman, eat with her, sleep with her, walk down the street with her. I didn’t want conversation, or to go anywhere except the racetrack or the boxing matches. I didn’t understand t.v. I felt foolish paying money to go into a movie theatre and sit with other people to share their emotions. Parties sickened me. I hated the game-playing, the dirty play, the flirting, the amateur drunks, the bores.
I hate everything about this and that.

Friday, July 13, 2012

I have all these feelings but I don't know what to call them.

For three days, I was with someone whom I spent my whole time with. I slept knowing that he was there, I woke up knowing that he'll be by my side. It was calming. There were moments of frustration but they never lasted long. But those days ended and we're back to the reality of being apart.
Yesterday I was puking my guts out and having the worst series of diarrhea. It was so bad that I felt that I could have died. Then I thought of how I didn't tell those how much I really loved them.
Today it feels strange. Never thought i'd reach here but I miss someone so much that all I want to do is spend my time with that one person.

I need to get a grip I guess.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

break a heart.

everything's a scam. someone's gonna tell you this whole perfect story and end up lying, hurting your feelings. then you're gonna get really upset and want to cry your lungs out. you'll start to get frustrated, even more frustrated. why? cause you feel ridiculous that you're getting to hurt and upset with someone who doesn't even deserve it after what has happened. you compromise, you want to because you want everything to work out. you try everything to keep that perfectly built up story.

tonight i'm exasperated, i probably don't make much sense or i'm making sense like those typical __________.

cause so many times, maybe being oneself would be much happier.
who will love you, who will let you fall.