Saturday, June 23, 2012

friday again

Have I mentioned the weather in Singapore is quite insane? It's terribly hot and humid. It's almost like suffocating.
I made myself a tote bag today, quite quickly. I must say i'm quite pleased with myself.
Have I also mentioned how I have this paradoxical battle with life. Almost a mix of happiness, frustration, hurt, joy, calm. It's not right to be sad so often.
Yesterday, I went to take a survey so I could earn $8 for lunch. It was about a life's experience and it got me thinking a lot about life and myself.
I wished whatever people told me are full truths. I wished I could know because there's no way I possibly can. I'd be more consistent with happy then.
Idleness is really a bitch, so is the possibility to think emotionally.
If I could keep love and trust that it'd be consistent. this is a start

Thursday, June 21, 2012

You have the power to heal your life, and you need to know that. We think so often that we are helpless, but we’re not. We always have the power of our minds. Claim, and consciously use, your power.

Louise Hay

God help me.

"tonight someone told me that at some point, every person encounters a most poignant and significant trauma in life by which he or she will inevitably change completely. for better, for worse, it doesn’t matter. the point is that such a change alienates the person from everyone who surrounds them - especially in youth when the number of these trauma-burdened individuals is small. some are much younger than others. for example, it happened for him when he was 13 and his other brother was killed in an automobile accident. I think this is what is happening to me now. too much atypical trauma and I am not who I was a year ago, not even who I was yesterday anymore. worst of all, I know I am not alone but I can’t help but feel like an absolute alien."

When loneliness dwells too often

What happens when absence becomes too frequent that we get use to it and know not how to react when we get more time together. Why do we not expect anything but get so jaded and disappointed each time?
Are things not going right or are these just the course of how it's suppose to be? Because all I can see is how things are going downhill.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Saturday, June 16, 2012

too many imperfections

i just want to feel home

6 weeks have passed since the ends of my exams and yesterday marked the last day of my 6 weeks of preceptorship. experience was memorable even though the thought of preceptorship in a retail setting didn't excite me at the start. thinking about it, the staff and especially my preceptor made the cold and long hours more bearable. i might not experience such again but it sure felt good walking through the semi-empty streets in town while my favorite songs play and knowing that the next destination is home. and surely i'd not forget how i spent half of my 21st birthday at work which was actually pretty alright.
definitely not ideal but i was happy.
now that it's over, i'd wish i can say that my holidays have finally started but special semester starts next week.

i had the worst series of dreams today.
it's kinda messy but it goes something like this.
we were in a car driving but we couldn't drive through this road but there was this huge grand wedding being held. those big anglican looking type of weddings with a bishop and someone sitting infront of the altar. white and pastel blue.
the scene then shifted to my dad having tea with a friend's father and 3 sisters. my dad didn't know of this friend and i didn't want them knowing about my dad's car.
i was then on the public bus with my mom sitting down. the bus stopped at a stop and a maid got up to hold a leash and when i turned my head to look down at what i thought was a dog, it was a really small withered adult that looked almost inhuman. while walking to the bus door to get down, he brushed against my leg. i told my mom to see how he was actually human but she told me to shh and look away.
we were then in the car again, there was funeral going on at the same time. the coffin had to be transported and the van could pass through the wedding. the coffin van was next to the bride. i commented how disturbed i was.
the bishop help up a metal tin containing ashes which he was suppose to use to marry the couple. he opened it and started to pour them out laughing nonchalantly then he poured some in his mouth and puked it out. he started to exclaim how all these asian wedding fantasies blahblah.
then suddenly we were in a home, my dad asked me to watch the dvd and tell the bishop how i felt about it, this film was supposedly some atheist promoting film. i told him i was really disturbed by the wedding and coffin.
thank god i woke up there after.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

cause when you sit down and think about it,
suddenly, i feel so alone.

Saturday, June 9, 2012


Don't read anything of love, don't think about the musings of love, don't see what might be love. All so you can experience love without expectations and love as it is.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Life is too

erratic, inconsistent, cold, contradictory, funny, disappointing, surprising, uncertain, confusing.