Happy are the forgetful lot,

cause in the morning

i possibly want to wake up in your arms, hear you breathing and know that you are near.

i'm quite okay with not being bill gates or steve jobs

The end to friday couldn't have been more demoralizing. Friday's paper was really shitty crappy, those type of papers when you start to think "when is this gonna end?". Left the examination hall so amused that I found this level1 module insanely hard, even harder than pharmaceutical biotechnology, pharmacology and whatever else. Anyway, group mates and I ended up staying in the computer lab for more than 10 hours. It was only at 1 something am before we made our way home. We stayed in school for a record long 17 hours.
Our project submission was considered late, broken links in the website, un-titled website, wrongly titled file submission, insane hunger, rolling and jumping about the computer lab, feasting on macs in a no-eating-or-drinking-allowed place, going crazy, singing out loud, toning exercises, toe poking, taking photos, printing random pictures, shouting for help etc.

I'm glad i'm not pursuing computing because I might be crazy from the confusion I have about it.

I have all these feelings but I don't know what to call them.

For three days, I was with someone whom I spent my whole time with. I slept knowing that he was there, I woke up knowing that he'll be by my side. It was calming. There were moments of frustration but they never lasted long. But those days ended and we're back to the reality of being apart.

Yesterday I was puking my guts out and having the worst series of diarrhea. It was so bad that I felt that I could have died. Then I thought of how I didn't tell those how much I really loved them.

Today it feels strange. Never thought i'd reach here but I miss someone so much that all I want to do is spend my time with that one person.

I need to get a grip I guess.

break a heart.

everything's a scam. someone's gonna tell you this whole perfect story and end up lying, hurting your feelings. then you're gonna get really upset and want to cry your lungs out. you'll start to get frustrated, even more frustrated. why? cause you feel ridiculous that you're getting to hurt and upset with someone who doesn't even deserve it after what has happened. you compromise, you want to because you want everything to work out. you try everything to keep that perfectly built up story.

tonight i'm exasperated, i probably don't make much sense or i'm making sense like those typical __________.

cause so many times, maybe being oneself would be much happier.

friday again

Have I mentioned the weather in Singapore is quite insane? It's terribly hot and humid. It's almost like suffocating.
I made myself a tote bag today, quite quickly. I must say i'm quite pleased with myself.
Have I also mentioned how I have this paradoxical battle with life. Almost a mix of happiness, frustration, hurt, joy, calm. It's not right to be sad so often.
Yesterday, I went to take a survey so I could earn $8 for lunch. It was about a life's experience and it got me thinking a lot about life and myself.
I wished whatever people told me are full truths. I wished I could know because there's no way I possibly can. I'd be more consistent with happy then.
Idleness is really a bitch, so is the possibility to think emotionally.
If I could keep love and trust that it'd be consistent. this is a start

You have the power to heal your life, and you need to know that. We think so often that we are helpless, but we’re not. We always have the power of our minds. Claim, and consciously use, your power.

Louise Hay

God help me.

"tonight someone told me that at some point, every person encounters a most poignant and significant trauma in life by which he or she will inevitably change completely. for better, for worse, it doesn’t matter. the point is that such a change alienates the person from everyone who surrounds them - especially in youth when the number of these trauma-burdened individuals is small. some are much younger than others. for example, it happened for him when he was 13 and his other brother was killed in an automobile accident. I think this is what is happening to me now. too much atypical trauma and I am not who I was a year ago, not even who I was yesterday anymore. worst of all, I know I am not alone but I can’t help but feel like an absolute alien."

When loneliness dwells too often

What happens when absence becomes too frequent that we get use to it and know not how to react when we get more time together. Why do we not expect anything but get so jaded and disappointed each time?
Are things not going right or are these just the course of how it's suppose to be? Because all I can see is how things are going downhill.

Love

Don't read anything of love, don't think about the musings of love, don't see what might be love. All so you can experience love without expectations and love as it is.

cpeaakns

I can't stay if you're not around most of the time, especially not after all that's happened. I know you can't help it; we cannot do anything to help bring you next to me for a day more but right now, each day is a new weight. I want to but I can't trust you. Perhaps there are days I do, but I hate the times my stomach is tied into knots by this uncertainty I have. I want to give you my all, everything I have, me. But I want to give you nothing, i'm not sure I want to give anyone more.
I hate this, I hate this contradictory. I hate how I can feel totally different from what I was feeling a moment ago. You don't understand, you're trying but somehow you don't get it most of the time. You're not perfect, I don't need perfect but you don't know the mess you've caused inside of me.
I can't tell this to my friends, they're a few whom I want to tell anyway. This is old, it's getting old and I wished these emotions could get old sooner or later. Maybe so they can die and rot eventually. It sucks to wake up in the middle of the night and think how you've wrapped your whole life around someone and that one person could leave one day. It sucks to wake up wanting someone but there's no one at the end of the day.
People are probably bored with this story and I hate how i've turned to this blog at the end.
What if love isn't enough to hold two people together? What if love isn't enough to patch what happened?What if love never had a breath.
I'm gonna hate how i've let myself be one of these people. Hopelessly affected by such emotions. It's unbelievable how much it feels. Oh, i'm lonely, this is pathetic.

Right now

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever."

because i'm afraid

that one day, you'd wake up and emotions are different. we don't feel the same way anymore.
volatile.

we're all baking

Perhaps, just maybe, perhaps.

That one day i'd love someone and he'll love me back.
I'm quite tired of lies and lying.

anyway, back to studying. got to keep what's positive in me because i'm quite going downhill.

ooh mannn

Think it'll take me some time to get used to this new blogger post setup.

Anyway, I stayed at home this whole study week since I fell really ill and nearly coughed my lungs out. Irritated because my whole study plan was screwed and I haven't even finished reading half the notes for my core modules once through. It feels terribly depressing to wake up from dozing off and realizing how it's a whole new day. Feeling very much in hot soup and I don't know how am I gonna complete everything.

Today I woke up without that feeling anymore, perhaps it's temporal, but sorry, I don't feel the same way anymore.

I need a hug most now.

Crazy

This week is probably one of the craziest week of this semester yet. The craziest would be exam week of course. Two tests and a huge ass project to complete. The start of the week saw myself loathing the start of this crazy series. Today, I finished the last of these 2 tests. I don't have much assurance of the papers especially for the one today, where my curiously led me to the discovery of the many wrongs I had made in the paper. Over is over.

Lunch at Pepperoni and a coffee at Starbucks might have given me this little calm I have now. As I start on the last segment of my project, my paper, I pray smooth sailing.

I'm scared for my papers again, I don't want to plummet down anymore because I can't afford to. Give me comfort.

Hands

When you hold someone's hand, it's more than a mere gesture or aesthetic appearance. It's a moment when you intertwine your hands and life with someone else's and perhaps, just for a moment, you know that you're not alone.

So I give your hand a tight squeeze. It's not for the extra assurance but because I don't ever want you to leave.